he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Who died my cat blue again?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
