my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
