Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
