i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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