seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
