For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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