i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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