your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
