My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
