my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
