i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
