i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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