Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
