I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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