Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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