I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
