so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
