so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Randomize
