Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
