Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
