we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Can't talk, ducks in the car
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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