I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
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