Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
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