Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Randomize
