you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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