The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize