The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
