I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
