I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
God, I missed his penis.
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