Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
