my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
