I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
