Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Sacagawea was the original milf.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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