hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Randomize