dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
