Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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