Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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