You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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