Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
