Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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