Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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