Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
