the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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