I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
