I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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