everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
