I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
