life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
