I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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