How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
