i already hear my dad disowning me
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
why do cheetos always look like penises
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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