Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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