hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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