I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
