she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize