he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize